When Is He Coming Back?

When Is He Coming Back?

Stop asking when he’s coming back, because he’s not. He’s not coming back. He doesn’t love you that much anymore to walk up your front porch, bring you pizza and try to win you back like the way he used to before. You know why? Because he already found someone new. Ha! It hit you, didn’t it?

Remember when he told you that he’ll never leave you? I’m pretty sure he’s uttering that same promise right now, just not to you. Remember when you were so scared of the thunder, you called him in the middle of the night and he told you he’ll always be there to answer your calls during stormy nights? Well, guess what, the girl he’s with now isn’t afraid of thunders and stormy nights. Remember when you’re inside a horror chamber and you got scared, so scared that you squeezed his hand so tight with your sweaty palm? Guess again. She is not afraid of creepy Halloween costumes and scary sound effects. Remember when you watched a movie that wasn’t supposed to make you cry, but you cried anyways because that’s who you are. You cry even at the most littlest of things. You said sorry and he said, “It’s okay. That’s cute” and smiled. And that’s when you knew you’re in love. You started falling for your best friend right in that moment (Shit!). Even if you know you shouldn’t, you fell anyway.

You tried hiding it; denying it even. “Maybe it’s just a stupid crush. It’ll go away soon” you said to yourself while you were at the library studying for your exams and he’s in front of you looking so perfect and flawless. But every time you stare into his eyes, you get lost in its deep blue ocean.  You know it’s more than just a crush. It’s much more than just a simple crush. And you know you’re screwed. So here we go with the denying and hiding and pretending not to like him part again. It’s so hard. So damn hard not to fall for him even more because of those eyes, you could just get lost in them. His smile, his smile that could cure maybe even cancer. His laugh, oh especially his laugh. Like that of an innocent child’s. Pretty much everything about him amazes you! Even the scar on his left brow that you used to think was gross; you started loving it, too. He looked up from reading a book and smiled at you. That’s when you decided it’s time to tell him. Tell him how you feel towards him. You smiled back.

Monday morning. You’re dressed in your most beautiful dress. The one he said was his favorite because you look so pretty and innocent when you’re wearing it. You showered longer, maybe 15 minutes longer than you usual 10-minute shower time. You even had your brows done by your sister and you wore lipstick for the very first time! All for him. Because you wanted to look “pretty” when you profess your feelings towards him.

*lub dub lub dub lub dub* you saw him standing 20 feet away from you. You started walking slowly towards him. Slowly, 18 feet away, slowly, 16 feet away, slowly, 15 feet away, 10 feet, 9… and stopped. He’s talking to someone. A girl. He looked so happy. You’ve never seen him smile like that before. Yes, you saw him almost teary eyed because of excessive laughing kind of happy. But this was a different kind of happy, and it shows in his eyes. He never looked at you like the way he’s looking at her now. You slowly felt something tearing inside you. You suddenly felt like some heavy object has just been placed on your chest. You suddenly struggled to gasp for air. You can’t take this anymore. And so you turned around and ran towards the comfort room and locked yourself in. You don’t care how long you were locked inside. All you knew was that you had to let it out or else you’re going to explode. You looked at yourself in the mirror. You’re hair’s a mess. Your mascara’s smudged, so is your eyeliner. Your once perfectly done brows looked like it’s been drawn by a 2 year old kid. Your lipstick, what was earlier a happy shade of red, now was just a sad, pale, almost invisible red. And your dress! It’s got make up stains on it now. And you don’t care. You don’t care anymore. You washed your face and tried fixing your messy hair. You look presentable now. Almost as if you’ve never cried. Well, except for your eyes. They’re swollen and red and tired from all the crying. But you still went out. You refuse to let it break you completely. And that’s a good thing. But how long can you keep it up? How long can you pretend that you’re okay? You’re going to see him again later. Maybe with her, this time.

Lunch time came. You were right. She’s there on the table with you. Right in front of you. She’s so pretty. Maybe that’s what he liked about her. She started talking and that’s when it hit you, “It was never her pretty face. No, it was the way she speaks about the things she loves with passion in her eyes. The way she tells her future plans with confidence and certainty. You can really tell that she's got a good life ahead of her. Her jokes, funny yet witty. And her laugh. They almost have the same laugh.”

She was your exact opposite. And maybe that’s what he liked about her. He doesn’t have to always assure her that she’s pretty because she, herself already knows this. She’s smart without ever being rude. What else? Oh, she’s not afraid of thunders and lightning, he doesn’t have to wake up in the middle of the night, sleep interrupted just because someone’s afraid of a little light from the Heavens. She is confident without giving off that conceited and arrogant impression. She’s very sure of everything she says. She’s not pretentious know-it-all just to impress people around her. She walks with her head high, something you can never do. The total opposite of you *sigh*.

So, back to the question, “When is he coming back?” Never. Yep, you read it right. Never. He’s never coming back. The guy who’s always there for you already found someone who needs his time more than you do. You can never go to horror chambers and watch movies and do fun stuff alone. Because again, he already found someone new to do all these things with. And you’re left with no other choice but to just accept this because what else could you do? He’s never coming back.

You're More Than Enough

"You're beautiful"

          Yes, I am. And I do not need someone to tell me that. And guess what, neither do you. You don't need a man to tell you how pretty you are in your lavender dress or how cute you look in your Mickey Mouse headband. And it's just so sad to think that you haven't realized that by now. That every time someone compliments you, every time he compliments you, you still feel like it's the greatest thing that ever happened to you. No. Stop feeling that way every time he does that. It's not bad to feel flattered because seriously, who doesn't feel flattered every time someone compliments them? But my point here is, you should stop thinking that you need other people to tell you that you're beautiful. That you need someone to make you feel you are. That you need him to make you feel the butterflies in your stomach. And that without him, you feel empty. You feel like all the colors were taken away from you and you're just a blank sketch pad. An unfinished work of art.

          I admit, it took me 18 years before I realize this and now that I did, I think that I might, that I should share this thought with all of you, too. Especially since most girls now believe that they're not beautiful unless a man tell them so.

          And baby girl, let me tell you this, that is not okay. For you to think that you're nothing without him. You don't have to depend on someone to boost you up, to raise your confidence. You should know that you're more than enough. You yourself can make you feel beautiful, not some random guy you just met. Not even the guy you've dated for a year now.

          Yes, I know it's hard. To believe that you're beautiful without someone telling it straight to your face. People may think you're overflowing with confidence and that you're too conceited and full of yourself, and they may even hate you or dislike you for that (I am not exaggerating things here. Let's just face the fact that we're living in this kind of society). I used to be like that before. I always needed assurance to know that indeed I am beautiful. I refuse to believe in myself, I think so little of myself, I drown myself with negative thoughts everyday. I'll let you in on a little secret, I was so full of insecurities. I still am, actually, but not quite as I was before. I think that I'm never good enough for anything, for anyone. That I lack something and everybody's too good for me. That everything I do is, and will never be enough. Things changed when I entered entered a relationship. The guy I was with that time told me all I needed to hear to make me feel better. He spoke words that had the power to erase all my insecurities. (See? I told you, I was a lot like you before). I breathed in every word he uttered, like oxygen. He build me up, made me feel like I was the most beautiful girl he ever laid his eyes on. He became my source of confidence. Whenever I feel like I cannot do anything or feel like I'm ugly, he's always there to tell me I can do everything and most importantly, I am beautiful. I held on to him like he was a part of me already. That if taken away from me, I won't be whole (so pathetic, I know). Well, you know what happened next, what always happen to relationships like this. We broke up. Well, he left me actually (for my bestfriend). And that shattered me. The beautiful tower of confidence and security he once build came crumbling down. I was once again exposed to my negative thoughts and insecurities. Am I not beautiful anymore in his eyes? What did I do to mess it all up? We were so perfect. I was left with gazillion of questions left unanswered until now. I started talking less, I became a bit of anti-social, cutting people off my life. See what happens when you let other people build you up? You'll feel like shit once they leave you.

          It took me almost 2 years (yes, you read that right. 2 long years) to realize the shit I should've realized a long time ago. I DO NOT NEED A MAN TO FVCKING TELL ME MY WORTH. It is like giving him the power to take over my life. Why? Because he'll think that without him, without his words, you're nothing. That he's the only person in the entire Universe who can make you feel good about yourself. Well prove him wrong! Show him that you're whole and complete even without him. That it is you and only you who can make you feel good about yourself. Do not let him tell you your worth, you are not his property in the first place. Stop feeling incomplete without him, stop saying you're nothing and broken without him by your side. And please, always remember that you were beautiful before he even told you that you were.

          So heads up, princess! You are beautiful and you don't need a man to tell you that. You are enough. More than enough :) xx

Nature's Beauty

Sunset and Death

This is a photo that I've taken just last summer. And as we all know, here in the Philippines, when it's summer time, sunsets are at their best. But don't worry, you don't have to travel very far just to witness this magical event (aka sunset). You can simply witness it at the comfort of your homes. All you have to do is take note of the exact time the sun sets in your place (you can check it online) and choose a spot where you want to watch it (i.e on the porch, by the window, in your room) as long as the area is unobstructed, you're good. (*TIPS: 1. Always remember that the sun sets in the west so make sure the location you've chosen is facing west. 2. Sunsets, just like sunrise have spectacular colors you've got to watch out for and they don't usually last long, probably just for half an hour during the entire sunset/sunrise.)

// RANDOM THOUGHTS I HAVE //

          While taking this photo (or maybe even before, or after lol), a thought came into my mind and I just cannot not post it here since the purpose of this blog is to help me "vent out my emotions/thoughts/feelings that I cannot say out loud". So back to the photo. Again, while staring at the beautiful and almost magical sunset that day with my sister, a thought struck me: Isn't it strange how we're afraid of death but not of the sunset?
I mean, they're much like the same, they both mean the same: endings. Some authors have even used sunset as a metaphor/symbol for death. Emily Dickinson for example used it on her poem "Because I Could Not Stop For Death" wherein it's stated there (Lines 12 & 13):

"We passed the Setting Sun–

Or rather – He passed us –"

          So again, why are people afraid of death but not of sunsets when they're pretty much the same? Maybe because we know that after the sunset, sunrise will come which symbolizes new beginnings? Whereas in death, when you're dead; that's it. That's the end of your story. No more new beginnings for you. Some other people might say that there's life after death and that may be your "sunrise". But is there really a place after death where you can start anew? A place where a new beginning, your "sunrise" awaits you? I don't know. I've never tried dying and as much as I also wanted to know the answer to my own question, I guess like you, I'm left with no other option but just wait for the right time. Wait for our "sunset". But as of now, why won't we just enjoy the magical sunset everyday that we get to see with our loved ones? The sunset which we're sure of will be followed by the sunrise.